The Glitter Bowl

Vince Young's mom will be bringing Capri Suns after practice.

2008-09-10T16:31:00.001-07:00

Tennessee Titans quarter Vince Young didn't feel good this morning, so he pretended to have a sore throat and groaned accordingly, coughed convincingly, and his mom called him in to the NFL sick. For two to four weeks.

In a press conference today, Young's mom, Felicia Young said, "He's hurting inside and out. But he will be fine if people are prayerful and help my baby boy out. He is a young man. He just needs a lot of love and support."

HE'S JUST A BOY!!!! LET HIM WATER YOUR DAMN PLANTS!!!

Above is what I imagine Vince Young and his mom to look like. Except holding a football. And larger. And blacker.

Hopefully he's not out too long, though, because his mom always makes the best after-practice PB & J's, and she brings Yoohoo's. And backup quarterback Chris Simms' mom only brings the cheap Wal-Mart brand, which no matter what she says, isn't nearly as good as Yoohoo.

Kate Hudson's ex-bf rides bikes.

2008-09-09T17:30:00.001-07:00

I'm not really sure who Lance Armstrong is, besides that Perez Hilton has said he dated Kate Hudson, and Ashley Olsen, and Sheryl Crow, but apparently he rides bikes and had ball cancer. Then he made a total fashion statement in 2004 with those LiveStrong bracelets, and then he stopped riding bikes, and then the yellow bracelets went out of style.

But now he like, wants to ride his bike again. Which really sucks because now I'm going to have to start wearing a LiveStrong bracelet again -- and yellow is sooo hard to coordinate with. Can't he make bracelets that are pink? And have glitter? Because I'd really like that.

First Day Back

2008-08-30T20:29:00.000-07:00

OHIO STATE 43
YOUNGSTOWN 0

So after losing in the National Championship last year by like, A LOT, the Ohio State Buckeyes are back this season like the fall of my sophomore year of college -- I gained a lot of weight my freshman year, so I worked really really hard to lose it all over the summer, and got these awesome caramel highlights and bought a new Coach purse, so I couldn't wait to come back that fall and show everyone how totally FAB I was.

It's sort of like that. The Buckeyes are back this season and they really want to show everyone how totally hot they are now.

So in order to do so, they started off their season in an intrastate game, and it was sort of like when I came back to school and the first person I saw and stopped to talk to was my one friend, Rachelle, who was really fat last year that hadn't lost any weight. I mean, of course I looked amazing next to her. I mean, really, it wasn't hard, plus any guy that might have seen us talking to each other probably wouldn't have even noticed her. And they probably wouldn't have even mentioned how fat she was, because that would be too mean.

Anyway. Back to talking about how fabulous ~~I am~~ the Buckeyes are.

So the Buckeyes beat Youngstown pretty bad. This was actually the first season opener -- or like, the first game of the football time -- since 1977 where nobody else scored a homerun against the Buckeyes. So the Buckeyes are looking like they actually might be really hot this season. All these old guys were asked who the best team is right now, and they said Ohio State is #2.

That's like being the second hottest girl in the sorority, which I mean, that's cool, but equally disturbing because give it a month or so, and the hottest girl could totally have an acne break-out or something, and you could find an awesome new pair of Seven jeans and then everyone in the sorority would decide you look hotter. It's really only a matter of time.

But the total bummer in this game was when Chris Wells -- he's one of those guys that gets the football and tries to make a homerun -- injured his foot. Wells is like, really important to the hotness of the team, so this is totally bad. It's like getting an awesome color job on your hair, but then forgetting to use the coloring glaze when you get home, and your color turns totally brassy and blah, and your hotness is totally devastated.

But Coach Jim Tressel isn't really saying much about it, so we don't know if Wells is okay or not. And so we all have to wait until the Buckeyes' next game at USC (which is Nick Lachey's favorite team -- HOTTIE!!!). I think Tressel just doesn't want to jinx anything. Because I know whenever I've spent like, tons of money at Sephora, and I'm totally sure that all the makeup is going to work out, if I say something like, "OMG, these M.A.C. eyeshadows are going to look totally fierce!" ... I wind up looking like a hot tranny mess.

Tressel doesn't want to look like a hot tranny mess.

And all of Ohio is really hoping that the Buckeyes' caramel highlights -- Wells -- turn out okay, because after looking like a disaster against LSU in last year's championship game, the last thing the state of Ohio wants is to look like a hot tranny mess three years in a row.